Saturday, April 26, 2014 the new black.

It happened early, before we even finished dinner.  The text, that stupid text that should not mean anything to me has simply turned my frown upside down.  

Is matt doing ok w his transgender.....transition period. I miss him.
-text from someone who knew better

In the light of a restaurant and friendly conversation I was able to talk it through and end the night on a "half smile" note.  

As I drove through the rain, tears came to my eyes.  Pushing hurt into the back of your brain works for a while but tends to rear up uncomfortably when it is very unwelcome.  A good song or two later it felt good. 

By the time I came home I was fine.  No one was home, but I was able to grab a snack and jump into bed.  It was late and I had to get up in 5 1/2 hours.  I really had to get up in 5 1/2 hours!  It's almost like my body heard that.  As soon as I snuggled down in my comfortable bed I felt it coming on. At first it was all my muscles in my legs.  They wanted to kick or jump out of my skin.  Soon it was my whole body.  Then my heart started to race and I started to feel that dark overwhelming feelings of doom.  I really had to get up in 5 1/2 hours.  Nope.  Time for the good ole anxiety attack.  

Each persons response to stress is different.  I was blessed with some kick ass anxiety.  If you don't think it's not familial then watch my daughter, she is my anxiety twin.  But when I was young we just had to work harder or go to church more and it would "go away".  There was no education on anxiety and depression as I was growing into an adult.  Some decisions I made early in life were solely done to try and ease my feelings of doom.  

When I first started having really bad anxiety attacks I would not be able to breath in. I would be so upset and crying so badly that I could breath out but not in.   I had great friends that use to count and breath with me during those early years of my first divorce to help me through it.  I did a lot of research and over time I've learned to control them, for the most part.  I exercise, eat right and try to treat my body with the respect it deserves and needs.  Luckily I am able to recognize my anxiety, respect it and allow myself things that soothe or relax me.  

Absolutely true.

I've thought a lot about this post.  I don't want to beat a dead horse or even a dead marriage.  I have spent more then it's allotted time trying to figure out what it is that will help me to move on.  Not just move on either, but to thrive emotionally.  When M was just a dick that I divorced it was OK.  I'll own that mistake.  When I found out that he was fraudulent and a liar I am overwhelmed.  It just won't stop.  It doesn't make me any different, or does it?


M was Mr. Niceguy.  Mr. I'll do anything for anybody.  No one had one negative word to say about him.  He fooled me, my kids, my family and my friends.  But here the lines get blurred.  Did he?  Was he doing it maliciously?  What was he really thinking when he married me and we planned this expensive party including our loved ones to promise ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives?  I don't doubt that for the beginning and most of the marriage he was sure he was doing the right thing. I don't think he didn't love me.  BUT, when he started going to LA and dressing up as a woman that is where I am sure he knew.  He even told me that was the big revelation.  

So for at least a solid year he lied to me.  He lied to my face in counseling and in turn he lied to my children, friends and family.  He was already in counseling working on the commitment to change during our divorce.  Nothing was said until he was sure he got his terms on taxes and the divorce.  Then he told me.  And that's it.  It's the lies and fraud. 
I've said it again.
I feel like I've clarified my anger and distrust.
Now that is over.


I laid in bed, flexing my legs and arms trying to figure out what I could do to hasten through this awful feeling and into the arms of sleep.  I re-positioned, turned off the TV and grabbed my blanket. 

 As some may know I have a soft blanket that I started using about the time I found out about M.  Soon I started toting it around.  Not everywhere!  Just any place that I was sleeping or traveling. I rest the soft blanket against my face and it literally soothes me. It's name is Whoobs.  

But this night it wasn't enough.  My iPad was thrown on the bed next to me.  I thought about this song list I had rediscovered a few days ago.  All slow and easy music that I listened to years ago.  I turned the music on and set my iPad on the other pillow.  I closed my eyes and thought about the words that were being sung.  Soon I was nodding off.  

Take that anxiety! I had at least 5 hours that night.  The last four days I've had a few bad moments but I've used some music and relaxation techniques and I feel like I'm working it out.  I've also given some time thinking about the obvious.  Do I need counseling?  Probably.  Will I get it?  Maybe.

Every day is a day forward.  I no longer want to give energy to a situation that really had nothing to do with me but that hurt me very badly.  I can't change what happened or how anyone feels about it.  I'm sure I would feel better if everyone denounced his actions and called him on his lies but it would be so limp and short term.  (hehe I said limp)

No better way to say this.  One of my favorite saying.

Everyone has them.  Breathing is amazing!

my new signoff?


  1. For me writing is like therapy and I hope that writing this post helped you to get through this anxiety. Hang in there!

  2. Anxiety blows. Being lied to...I am no stranger to that one. It blows too. I'm around if you ever need a long-distance ear.

  3. Anxiety oh how I wish I don't have to deal with it anymore.