The cloud is lifted.

Soooo....I went to Bali.  And Borneo.  I left the last day of August and returned September 16th.  Truthfully I was very nervous about going.  I get a little nervous whenever I leave for an extended period of time but this trip was half way around the world.  In a country I've never been to.  What if they don't have phones? or INTERNET??   I'm just a little bit kidding.  I wanted to stay in touch with my kids and make sure all was well at home.  

Before I left I was dealing with some pretty big stressors.  Work was really at the top of my list with some things going on that I didn't agree with and I felt unappreciated at best.  I had a few calls throughout the summer that were pretty stressful.  The ones you don't forget.  Sometimes it builds up when you are making life and death decisions and have so much responsibility.  

My most irritating stressor was my last marriage.  It's like a freakin broken record.  I just stopped talking about it with anyone because I was sick of hearing it myself.  I was tired of getting super anxious when I had to go somewhere that I knew he frequented.  I was still so angry about his lies and the lack of accountability.  Tired of being hurt that I lost a friend.  It was all bundled into this mass of stress that was making it difficult to be who I wanted to be. I felt broken. I never really wanted to go out.  I started taking my Ativan more regularly the day I found out about the lies and almost 2 years later I was still on it daily.  I needed to find some control.  I needed a break.  

This trip was the best thing I've done for myself in many years.  It was a life changing trip.  No joke.  I have thought many times why it turned out to be so amazing. I keep coming back to these 3 things.


1.  Our hostess and trip planner, Carol.  Carol has a passion and respect for the people and the islands that is infectious.  Just seeing the twinkle in her eye and the big smile as she travels around and talks to people and sees amazing stuff is awesome.  Adding Tracey made a threesome that ended up giggling late into the night and days upon days of laughter and love.  

In Taiwan waiting for our connecting flight to Bali.  Had to try out the selfie stick.  I never really mastered it. 

Carol was such a trooper with all my pictures/selfies/groupies.

2.  The Healer.  We went to a Balinese Healer.  We each had an hour and we each had completely different experiences.  We were all affected deeply.  When I walked in the first thing she told me is that I was beautiful but that I had a cloud over me.  (That's where I get the cloud reference)  We talked about the big things that have been bothering me.  She gave me some awesome advice and then she did some healing thing that involved aligning my chakras.  I laid on a massage table, closed my eyes and she did stuff with her hands and healing stones.  It was very interesting.  

3. The Island.  I felt like I was getting energy and strength everyday I was on vacation.  Either from the Ocean, the little girls dancing, delicious food and even seeing all the wild animals.  Every day was a gift.  A gift of strength and time that helped me to re-align myself, my "cloud" and definitely my chakras!  

Sunset.

The ocean in Tulamben, by far the most peaceful part of the trip. 

So grateful to be able to see wild animals in their habitat.

No words.

I'll just let Carol and Tracey giggle.

Coming home was painful.  I was with the best women ever, all day, every day and then we separated to go our different ways.  I was also back home.  Away from the part of the world that I grew to love immensely.  It took a good 24 hours but I pulled it together and was able to function.  

Since being home I have never felt more calm and less stressed.  Even when stressful things come up I feel like I can handle it so much better.  Before I left I had had to take an Ativan every night so I could sleep and not go crazy in my head and now I don't need them.  I've been wanting to go off of them on a regular basis but just couldn't seem to wean myself down.  I keep them around in case I have an anxiety attack but I feel like I have a lot more control.  I'm really finding happiness within.  Happy with myself.  It doesn't hurt that for 17 days I had my girls telling me I was awesome.  Carol and Tracey have been my cheerleaders.  I hope I can be the same for them.  

That is some serious stuff.  Luckily I have A LOT of pictures that can show that not only did we enjoy that trip and see cool stuff it was, hands down, off the charts FUN!  

I'm still going through them and I'm going to share my days on vacation in the next couple of weeks.  Light myself a little incense and share my experiences.  Keeping the cloud lifted and the chakras aligned!!

Blog on............

It's a new year!!

Happy New Year!

I brought in the new year the best way possible.  Exhausted from flying around in a helicopter transporting those patients having a really bad day.   I had an awesome pilot and a kick ass medic.  Together we had a pretty great time despite being in the air for over 5 hours.  

But what about everything else?  

I finally have a few minutes to think about it.  If anything I am the master of putting things off.  Even thinking about the new year.  More then resolutions I love to reflect.  I have a lot to reflect on.

2014 - Reflections of a Year Indescribed.

Last year I felt shitty.  Physically I was good but mentally I was a huge mess. (See here) I considered therapy many times but just didn't want to do it.  What I really wanted is just to "let it go" so to say.  The smartest thing I did was allow me to feel.  It is OK when I'm mad or sad or even just depressed.  I did lots and lots of reading and research.  Watched all the documentaries I could find.  Then I was super pissed because MY personal experience with someone who is first a lying sack of shit and second a Transgender gave me negative feelings towards all transpersons and that is not what I'm about.  Being aware is the most important.  I had some bad days where I thought I would be depressed forever. But mostly I was just stuck.  I think I am still, but just a tiny bit.  It's a slow process.  

I bring it up first because I'm waiting for at least one day when I don't think about it.  I did make a great step when I went to his friends house to return his guitar to him through them.  They had moved.  Wow. Weird.  The guitar is in the basement.  Done worrying about it.  I don't know how I'll get it back to him and I'm not caring about it today.  

And ENOUGH about that!  I move forward and I feel SO much better as this year starts and I'm excited about that!

Running - It was an OK year.  Lots of problems with my left leg and lots of visits to my Physical Therapist and Massage Therapist.  Ton's of core work and even lots of running.  I think I found the right shoes and my feet don't hurt at all.  Still working on the leg.  I have 2 HUGE goals for this year.  Ragnar Del Sol Ultra  Relay Race in February and the Ogden Marathon in May.  I've committed to decrease my OT and work more on my running.  Weather and some crazy work days have interfered a bit but overall I think I'll make it!!!  ::Fingers crossed:::

My last run of the year!

Family -   All kids - all amazing.  Sami moved back in to go to nursing schools so for 1 week out of 3 I have 3 kids at home.  It's good.  They are awesome and I love them.  They are working hard and they are such great people.  My parents are suffering the effects of old age and I hate that but they are still doing great.  

My kids are top notch!

My nephew Charlie hanging with me on Christmas Eve.

Work - It's great.  Then it's not.  I'm a little burned out with the ICU but I know it will pass.  Flying is amazing but then I have long weeks of not flying.  Then I have another amazing day of transporting and BOOM!  Love it.  I think that's what a career is about.  The ups and downs.  Helps keep you appreciate of the great days.  

Taking a kid for a bucket list ride.  

Stupid Cancer.

Thumbs up for a great time!

Work fun times and great new friends!

After my last flights of the year I played the game - who got what med.  Then I ate Oreos and I was able to properly think.  

Friends - Have them, love them and without them I would be a huge huge mess!!

My favorite pic with so many great friends!!  

LOVE LOVE LOVE

All the other silly things I love.  My house is still a mess but the office is somewhat done and the basement is in chaos.  It's clean but cluttered.  My house looks like we are in a constant remodel/rearrangement.  We lost Zoe this year but we still have Ted.  He's old and amazing! 


2015

YEAH BUDDY!

I'm excited, really excited!!  A little chunky but I won't let that get me down. 

I don't have any real resolutions.  Just plans.

*Stay on my running schedule

*Try not to get hurt
*Work and get better at what I do
*Organize my house and PURGE all the stupid shit
*Work to stay close to my friends
*Enjoy my new friends
*Watch Breaking Bad from beginning to end
*Ultra Relay
*First Marathon
*BALI in September
*Finish getting shit paid off 
*Go on a date without immediately thinking about ways to keep them separate from my life.  i.e. trust
*Botox - heaven in a needle

Is that enough?  Will it keep me busy until September?  

ANYTHING can happen this year!!!!  ANYTHING!  My options are endless!  I love it and I love the way things are moving along. 

 Classy Attitude.  

hehe

Love my new tattoos

Now the big question.
What am I going to do with this blog?

I don't know.  

Does that help?    

I love writing and I love updating my blog.  I've been doing some amazing things with running and trying new products and I love sharing that.  I've found the best information from my favorite running bloggers.  My heart wants me to write and write often.  To share the failures and even the success's!  Ive had some opportunities to try new products and interact with other bloggers and it just hasn't happened.   That last picture of the dog with the PBR cans was amazing and every time I went to update I saw that pic and thought to myself, "that's awesome" and didn't update.  SO I'll limp it along for a while until I make a real not so half ass commitment.  If anything it will be sort of a diary and I'll have a place to put some of my more complicated thoughts.  

What are some of your most exciting memories of last year?

Whats on the plan for this year?

Blog on................

Follow up.....and chaos

I let the blog from yesterday sink in and if you commented on it or even read it I thank you.  Sometimes I just have to say something, or write it in this case and I feel mucho bettero.  (yeah, that's spanish...)

You may know, but this is what I do for a living:

I steal flight suits and stand in front of medical helicopters for my selfies. 

Where did I get those sun glasses and where are they now?

I'm a flight nurse.  It can be stressful.  How does that stress play into my anxiety?  When I first started as an LPN on a medical surgical floor I had one anxiety attack.  Since then, as my skills and knowledge increase anxiety attacks associated at work are basically nil.  Let me clarify - they are nil when it comes to patient care.  Regular job stressors and inter-personal relationships make me more anxious then the job itself.  Getting the flight nurse job is one of the hardest things I've ever done. 

As far as anxiety with a critical patient?  Nope.  I do not have anxiety attacks at all.  Do I feel a little scared/anxious and nervous that I will do the right thing every time?  Pretty much every time.  The two feelings are so different I can't even explain. Maybe that's why I work way too much lately.  During my job it's all about the unknown and I feel absolutely in control of myself.  My heart does race sometimes but after 2.5 years my hands don't shake and I can talk without sounding like a total idiot (most of the time).  So if you are unfortunate enough to see my as my transport patient then relax...I am!  

My normal...is my normal.

Here is what is happening now.

(I promise I have a couple of actual running posts coming up)

I'm packing for New York City.

It's total chaos.  I have a table in my office to throw my "trip" things on.

Why?

First, I am running the Cape Cod Ragnar Relay.  Yes, another relay.  Most of my team is made up of people that I have met as strangers and have become great friends with over the course of 30 hours in a van together. 

I also still have one opening in Van 1.  Email me if your interested.

After the race I'm taking the train into New York City and staying for FIVE days!!  I will be alone but I have a few friends that I want to see and I have a schedule of awesome things to do.  I call it my #EPLtour2014

Never read the book or saw the movie.  It's my "after a bad relationship" trip.  It's not 3 years in Europe but 5 days in my favorite city ever! 

I'll do some delicious eating!

I have plans to do some deep contemplation

(I'm not one to pray)

I will do me some awesome LOVING...of the city!

I plan to have a full report with lots of pics as I go on this 10 day adventure.  In the meantime, trying to pack for 10 days (including a relay race) is certainly a challenge!!  

I'm not sure if this will stick but here are a couple pics that I saw today that make me laugh.  A Lot!

My son's DL picture.

He told me he was wearing a beanie and this is how his hair looked when he took it off.  My late mother in law use to say, "you look like you smelt a wolf".

Word.

Because friends are awesome!

Blog on.............

Anxiety...is the new black.

It happened early, before we even finished dinner.  The text, that stupid text that should not mean anything to me has simply turned my frown upside down.  

Is matt doing ok w his transgender.....transition period. I miss him.

-text from someone who knew better

In the light of a restaurant and friendly conversation I was able to talk it through and end the night on a "half smile" note.  

As I drove through the rain, tears came to my eyes.  Pushing hurt into the back of your brain works for a while but tends to rear up uncomfortably when it is very unwelcome.  A good song or two later it felt good. 

By the time I came home I was fine.  No one was home, but I was able to grab a snack and jump into bed.  It was late and I had to get up in 5 1/2 hours.  I really had to get up in 5 1/2 hours!  It's almost like my body heard that.  As soon as I snuggled down in my comfortable bed I felt it coming on. At first it was all my muscles in my legs.  They wanted to kick or jump out of my skin.  Soon it was my whole body.  Then my heart started to race and I started to feel that dark overwhelming feelings of doom.  I really had to get up in 5 1/2 hours.  Nope.  Time for the good ole anxiety attack.  

Each persons response to stress is different.  I was blessed with some kick ass anxiety.  If you don't think it's not familial then watch my daughter, she is my anxiety twin.  But when I was young we just had to work harder or go to church more and it would "go away".  There was no education on anxiety and depression as I was growing into an adult.  Some decisions I made early in life were solely done to try and ease my feelings of doom.  

When I first started having really bad anxiety attacks I would not be able to breath in. I would be so upset and crying so badly that I could breath out but not in.   I had great friends that use to count and breath with me during those early years of my first divorce to help me through it.  I did a lot of research and over time I've learned to control them, for the most part.  I exercise, eat right and try to treat my body with the respect it deserves and needs.  Luckily I am able to recognize my anxiety, respect it and allow myself things that soothe or relax me.  

Absolutely true.

I've thought a lot about this post.  I don't want to beat a dead horse or even a dead marriage.  I have spent more then it's allotted time trying to figure out what it is that will help me to move on.  Not just move on either, but to thrive emotionally.  When M was just a dick that I divorced it was OK.  I'll own that mistake.  When I found out that he was fraudulent and a liar I am overwhelmed.  It just won't stop.  It doesn't make me any different, or does it?

Exactly!

M was Mr. Niceguy.  Mr. I'll do anything for anybody.  No one had one negative word to say about him.  He fooled me, my kids, my family and my friends.  But here the lines get blurred.  Did he?  Was he doing it maliciously?  What was he really thinking when he married me and we planned this expensive party including our loved ones to promise ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives?  I don't doubt that for the beginning and most of the marriage he was sure he was doing the right thing. I don't think he didn't love me.  BUT, when he started going to LA and dressing up as a woman that is where I am sure he knew.  He even told me that was the big revelation.  

So for at least a solid year he lied to me.  He lied to my face in counseling and in turn he lied to my children, friends and family.  He was already in counseling working on the commitment to change during our divorce.  Nothing was said until he was sure he got his terms on taxes and the divorce.  Then he told me.  And that's it.  It's the lies and fraud. 

I've said it again.

I feel like I've clarified my anger and distrust.

Now that is over.

*******

I laid in bed, flexing my legs and arms trying to figure out what I could do to hasten through this awful feeling and into the arms of sleep.  I re-positioned, turned off the TV and grabbed my blanket. 

 As some may know I have a soft blanket that I started using about the time I found out about M.  Soon I started toting it around.  Not everywhere!  Just any place that I was sleeping or traveling. I rest the soft blanket against my face and it literally soothes me. It's name is Whoobs.  

But this night it wasn't enough.  My iPad was thrown on the bed next to me.  I thought about this song list I had rediscovered a few days ago.  All slow and easy music that I listened to years ago.  I turned the music on and set my iPad on the other pillow.  I closed my eyes and thought about the words that were being sung.  Soon I was nodding off.  

Take that anxiety! I had at least 5 hours that night.  The last four days I've had a few bad moments but I've used some music and relaxation techniques and I feel like I'm working it out.  I've also given some time thinking about the obvious.  Do I need counseling?  Probably.  Will I get it?  Maybe.

Every day is a day forward.  I no longer want to give energy to a situation that really had nothing to do with me but that hurt me very badly.  I can't change what happened or how anyone feels about it.  I'm sure I would feel better if everyone denounced his actions and called him on his lies but it would be so limp and short term.  (hehe I said limp)

No better way to say this.  One of my favorite saying.

Everyone has them.  Breathing is amazing!

my new signoff?