Bruce Jenner and that whole thing...

I didn't plan on watching the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer.  I just happened to work the night before and spending my usual lazy day in bed post night shift I saw that it was on the schedule.  I had to watch.  I need to see how others handle it when a trusted loved one reveals such news.  

If you don't know why then refer back to this post:

Why can't I be mad

There are three parts if your really bored!!

The best news ever!  While I watched it, I realized I was just thinking in the same way I was BEFORE.  Before I was lied to and fraudulently treated by my ex husband.    YEAH!!!

What does that mean?  Well, I feel like it's been forever and I'm sure my friends and loved ones are probably thinking, "get over it".  I know I have wanted to move on forever!  Everyday I'm closer but lets face it, it's a slow go and I will never be the same.  But there is one thing that I am finally getting past.  The link between my ex, the anger and transgender.  

Lets face it, I'm not mad about the transgender issue and my ex.  I'm mad because of how and when he told me and the actions that preceded and followed.  I'm not going to get into it because I think it gives them life and power but it had nothing to do with the actual act of transitioning.  

I watched Bruce Jenner and I had the type of thoughts I had before.  

-He's (She's) not hurting anyone, let him be happy.

-He (She) should be able to be themselves.

And on and on and on.

In the last 10 minutes of the program I was thrilled.  There is hope for my angry confused and jacked up past couple of years.  I want to be back to that soul that accepted people as they are.  

Like I heard tonight, "If they are a good person before transitioning they will be a good person after".  Bruce Jenner tried to be honest to his spouses.  He was also struggling in a time that was SO far away from accepting differences along with being in the limelight.  

Most poignant is all the "I'm sorry" he said.  It's OK to be sorry that someone is hurt, even if your intentions are true.  

So maybe I can put this life experience aside and start judging people at face value.   hehehe

It's not like I'm going to TOTALLY change!

Blog on.......

Next blog I think I'll chit chat about running and trying to run this Marathon next month. AHHHHHH!!!!!

15 things you probably didn't even want to know about me

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Truth

Extremely difficult life changes are difficult on the ole blog.  I have had so much to write.  Unfortunately I spend too much time in my head.  It's a dark spot but it's getting so much lighter...


I decided that I'd post a few family pics for now.
Because I can.
And I love these little freaks.

Blog on friends.........blog on.

Happy New Year?

Of course it's going to be a happy new year!

I have been thinking of this "renewal" time of the year for about a week now.  At first I was pretty sure that I would be glad to say a big "bite me" to 2013.  Then I really started thinking about it.  

I am so thankful for so many things!

• My Health.  Except for foot surgery, which was minor, I have had great health this year.  With all the financial strain that I've had I have had the energy and the lack of illness in order to work as much as I needed to.

• Kids.  Naturally.  I think it's been a pretty good year for all of us.  It didn't start out the best and we have had some pretty interesting things happen, but overall my kids are doing SO excellent.

• Job.  Definitely a great year on the job front.  My second year into my dream job has just been better and better.  Again, some bumps in the road but I start out 2014 in a SLC position and I'm closer to my kids and I don't have such a long commute anymore. 

• My second Job.  It has kept me in my house and it's actually very fun.  I have a great time being bedside for 12 hours and getting that experience in patient care.  

• Friends.  They are so awesome.  They keep those stomach muscles tight from laughing!

• Family. Naturally.  Always there.  Lots of love.  

Yeah, I've had some downers in 2013.  With my divorce and then his "big reveal" of being transgender and learning of his deceit.  That is still pretty painful.  I wasn't able to run very much but the surgery worked and my foot is ready to PARTAAAHY this year.  Big plans involving not too many miles, but still big plans.  I also worked A LOT this last year.  I realized that I didn't even get in a swimsuit in the summer of 2013.  I worked so much.  That is pretty sad.

So no New Years Resolutions for this gal.  I wrote some down last year and I looked over them again this year.  One thing that resolutions have taught me is that there is NO telling what time will bring you. 

I do have one thing that I think is very important that I want to concentrate on this year.  Everyday I want to think to myself:  

What have I done for my body today?

Transporting very sick people this winter has taught me that in the end, your body can only give you back what you give it.  It can fight like crazy and have the best doctors around, but it only has so much to give.  

So here is to a great 2014!  

PRETEND THAT SAYS 2104

OK I have ONE resolution.

Wishing everyone a WONDERFUL New Years and hopefully this next year will bring a little more time with it and I'll be able to actually publish the blog posts I'm almost done with!

I believe in miracles!

What are your new year resolutions?

Blog on.............

Why can’t I be mad? Part 3

PART 3

Disclaimer:  These are my feelings and reactions to my ex-husbands gender identity issues.  These are mine and I own them.  They are not right or wrong but they are truthful. 

Final wrap up.

The last almost 6 weeks have been close to unbearable at times.  I’m hoping that now my ex has gone public and I have revealed my side of the pain that I can move on. 

I've learned so much in a month.  I have done so much research in trying to understand gender identity issues and their struggles.  I know that it would be a difficult thing at best to admit.  I know that my ex was very fearful of losing everything that he had.  I don’t wish him any ill will.  I know that his family and friends love him dearly and will stand by him.  

On that note, I still have my boundaries nice and tight.  It gets me though the day.  I found ZERO information or help for spouses or ex-spouses of a transgender.  Understanding it didn't change the way I felt about Matt.  I feel like he was the worst mistake I have ever made and it lasted almost 6 years.  Some may be distracted by his struggle, but I don’t think that your personal struggles give you an excuse to drag others in and hurt them.  Luckily I bowed out of the marriage, stuck with my gut and my heart and made the right decision.

I've lost a longtime friend in the process.  Unfortunately for me, my friend chose to support my ex through his big reveal without so much as a phone call to me.   In essence, supporting my ex means he supports how I was treated.  He didn't feel like he had to choose sides when I divorced Matt.  But in essence he did. He also tried to talk my daughter into not standing by her mom.  

With me spilling my guts in this blog and the big reveal over I feel so much more at peace and ready to move on!  Life isn't going to wait for me to cry “in ma big pilla”.  If you have read this and supported me in any way I thank you very much.  Even the small words/acts of kindness have carried me though every day.  With every tear I have had wonderful friends make me smile and laugh.  I do not know why I was so affected by this announcement but I was true to my feelings, let myself be sad and tried my best to keep the sanity. 

A word about the Transgender:

I have watched a few episodes of a series I bought off Amazon called, “Sex Change Hospital”.  It was good to put real faces on the struggle of gender identity and hear their stories.  I found many of them very touching.  The one I think about the most is a male to female trans person who finally got the big surgery.  She talked about her struggle and feelings and how she never felt that with those feelings she could involve another person that could get hurt.  A lot of transgender men and women marry and have children and try to ignore it.  I still believe that people should be who they are without judgment.  I would wish that society would continue to be more accepting of that.  It would make the world a safer place for all and those that have those “different” feelings would not be forced (because of their fear of rejection) to do what society thinks they should do in order to be accepted.    

That said I can now get back to the best things in my life….

It will be memorable...yes, it will!

Part 1

Part 2


Blog on................

Why can’t I be mad? Part 2

PART 2

Disclaimer:  These are my raw feeling a couple of days after I was informed of my ex-husbands gender identity issues.  These are my feelings and I own them.  They are not right or wrong but they are truthful. 

I wrote this the Sunday after our initial conversation. I'm very glad that I wrote down my thoughts then. Processing this kind of information takes time and it was important for me to set boundaries so that I could move on. I read this now and it reminds me why I set them where I did. 

*********************

Matt and I had a conversation via text message last night.  It was good and it was bad.

In the past few days I have really struggled with my boundaries.  When I think of seeing him or my kids seeing him I literally go into an anxiety attack.  I can’t breathe, I sob.  This isn't really the person I want to be.  I am strong and independent and I’m not putting up with anything that is hurtful to me or my family.    I've had my anxiety attacks under control for over 10 years.  Now, they are right on the edge and my children have gathered around me for support. 

 I couldn't love them any more then I do now.  Even their dad has stood behind them to support them so they can help me.  As a mother it is the tenderest when your adult children are the ones that are comforting you, calling you and being a support system for you.  I need it and they are there. 

My boundaries became very clear last night to Matt.  He wanted to take my dog, Ted over the weekend for Thanksgiving.  I told him no.  I've been very generous in the past year to let Matt take Ted whenever he wants.  I had to draw that boundary line.  I had to.  I just can’t do it.  I know it’s selfish.  I’m going to be selfish for a while. 

Basically our texts came out as, he is sorry he didn't tell me sooner and that when he married me he truly loved me.  I believe that.  I’m not questioning his love for me I’m questioning his honesty and really how much can you love someone that you are deceiving.   He wanted to talk, but I refused.  I basically just told him what I had been thinking.  He’s a fraud and a liar.  I don’t know where the lies end and the truth begins.  I want him to stay away from me, my family and my dogs.  He agreed that he would.

Harsh.  Oh hell yeah.  I’m not letting the fact that he has struggled with gender issues to excuse the years and years of deceit.  I've said it over and over again and I've told him.  I don’t care that your transgender, I care that you continued to fight for our marriage and look me in the eyes and lie.  There is no way that gender issue thoughts were not swirling through his head.  I’m an open minded person.  If he would have brought it up in counseling we could have at least had some support.  The hardest part is that he knew that it was a huge issue, he had been to LA and had tried it and still came back home, went to counseling and denied any issue.  It’s not like I had an explanation either.  It will take time to forget the pain of not knowing why things were going the way they were going. 

I've also done some research.  I understand I’m not alone but apparently the cool thing is to accept your ex husband and be friends.  I've tried to wrap my head around that one.  He will be a she pretty soon. (And now is)  We have no kids together.  This isn't like we were young and he was confused.   Yes he was hoping it would go away but he was in his 40’s and he had tried it out off and on way before me.  There is huge support for the transgender community that he has available.  His family is loving and open minded.  He/she will get all the love and support he could possibly need, even now.  My boundaries are mine.

Part 3 Coming up

Part 1