Why can’t I be mad? Part 3

PART 3

Disclaimer:  These are my feelings and reactions to my ex-husbands gender identity issues.  These are mine and I own them.  They are not right or wrong but they are truthful. 

Final wrap up.

The last almost 6 weeks have been close to unbearable at times.  I’m hoping that now my ex has gone public and I have revealed my side of the pain that I can move on. 

I've learned so much in a month.  I have done so much research in trying to understand gender identity issues and their struggles.  I know that it would be a difficult thing at best to admit.  I know that my ex was very fearful of losing everything that he had.  I don’t wish him any ill will.  I know that his family and friends love him dearly and will stand by him.  

On that note, I still have my boundaries nice and tight.  It gets me though the day.  I found ZERO information or help for spouses or ex-spouses of a transgender.  Understanding it didn't change the way I felt about Matt.  I feel like he was the worst mistake I have ever made and it lasted almost 6 years.  Some may be distracted by his struggle, but I don’t think that your personal struggles give you an excuse to drag others in and hurt them.  Luckily I bowed out of the marriage, stuck with my gut and my heart and made the right decision.

I've lost a longtime friend in the process.  Unfortunately for me, my friend chose to support my ex through his big reveal without so much as a phone call to me.   In essence, supporting my ex means he supports how I was treated.  He didn't feel like he had to choose sides when I divorced Matt.  But in essence he did. He also tried to talk my daughter into not standing by her mom.  

With me spilling my guts in this blog and the big reveal over I feel so much more at peace and ready to move on!  Life isn't going to wait for me to cry “in ma big pilla”.  If you have read this and supported me in any way I thank you very much.  Even the small words/acts of kindness have carried me though every day.  With every tear I have had wonderful friends make me smile and laugh.  I do not know why I was so affected by this announcement but I was true to my feelings, let myself be sad and tried my best to keep the sanity. 

A word about the Transgender:

I have watched a few episodes of a series I bought off Amazon called, “Sex Change Hospital”.  It was good to put real faces on the struggle of gender identity and hear their stories.  I found many of them very touching.  The one I think about the most is a male to female trans person who finally got the big surgery.  She talked about her struggle and feelings and how she never felt that with those feelings she could involve another person that could get hurt.  A lot of transgender men and women marry and have children and try to ignore it.  I still believe that people should be who they are without judgment.  I would wish that society would continue to be more accepting of that.  It would make the world a safer place for all and those that have those “different” feelings would not be forced (because of their fear of rejection) to do what society thinks they should do in order to be accepted.    

That said I can now get back to the best things in my life….

It will be memorable...yes, it will!

Part 1

Part 2


Blog on................

Why can’t I be mad? Part 2

PART 2

Disclaimer:  These are my raw feeling a couple of days after I was informed of my ex-husbands gender identity issues.  These are my feelings and I own them.  They are not right or wrong but they are truthful. 

I wrote this the Sunday after our initial conversation. I'm very glad that I wrote down my thoughts then. Processing this kind of information takes time and it was important for me to set boundaries so that I could move on. I read this now and it reminds me why I set them where I did. 

*********************

Matt and I had a conversation via text message last night.  It was good and it was bad.

In the past few days I have really struggled with my boundaries.  When I think of seeing him or my kids seeing him I literally go into an anxiety attack.  I can’t breathe, I sob.  This isn't really the person I want to be.  I am strong and independent and I’m not putting up with anything that is hurtful to me or my family.    I've had my anxiety attacks under control for over 10 years.  Now, they are right on the edge and my children have gathered around me for support. 

 I couldn't love them any more then I do now.  Even their dad has stood behind them to support them so they can help me.  As a mother it is the tenderest when your adult children are the ones that are comforting you, calling you and being a support system for you.  I need it and they are there. 

My boundaries became very clear last night to Matt.  He wanted to take my dog, Ted over the weekend for Thanksgiving.  I told him no.  I've been very generous in the past year to let Matt take Ted whenever he wants.  I had to draw that boundary line.  I had to.  I just can’t do it.  I know it’s selfish.  I’m going to be selfish for a while. 

Basically our texts came out as, he is sorry he didn't tell me sooner and that when he married me he truly loved me.  I believe that.  I’m not questioning his love for me I’m questioning his honesty and really how much can you love someone that you are deceiving.   He wanted to talk, but I refused.  I basically just told him what I had been thinking.  He’s a fraud and a liar.  I don’t know where the lies end and the truth begins.  I want him to stay away from me, my family and my dogs.  He agreed that he would.

Harsh.  Oh hell yeah.  I’m not letting the fact that he has struggled with gender issues to excuse the years and years of deceit.  I've said it over and over again and I've told him.  I don’t care that your transgender, I care that you continued to fight for our marriage and look me in the eyes and lie.  There is no way that gender issue thoughts were not swirling through his head.  I’m an open minded person.  If he would have brought it up in counseling we could have at least had some support.  The hardest part is that he knew that it was a huge issue, he had been to LA and had tried it and still came back home, went to counseling and denied any issue.  It’s not like I had an explanation either.  It will take time to forget the pain of not knowing why things were going the way they were going. 

I've also done some research.  I understand I’m not alone but apparently the cool thing is to accept your ex husband and be friends.  I've tried to wrap my head around that one.  He will be a she pretty soon. (And now is)  We have no kids together.  This isn't like we were young and he was confused.   Yes he was hoping it would go away but he was in his 40’s and he had tried it out off and on way before me.  There is huge support for the transgender community that he has available.  His family is loving and open minded.  He/she will get all the love and support he could possibly need, even now.  My boundaries are mine.

Part 3 Coming up

Part 1

Why can’t I be mad? Part 1

PART 1

Disclaimer:  These are my raw feeling a couple of days after I was informed of my ex-husbands gender identity issues.  These are my feelings and I own them.  They are not right or wrong but they are truthful. 

That’s all I can think about since October 30^th. 

I found out that my ex-husband, Matt had been lying to me.  Our marriage was a fraud.  It was filled with tension and anxiety and I thought I was going crazy.  I really did, Matt even told me he thought I was crazy. 

The summer we were engaged.

Let me back up just a little.  When I married Matt I had NO reservations.  I was excited.  I had found a wonderful handsome successful man that loved me and my family.  He was a sweetheart to everyone and his friends had nothing but great things to say about him.  We moved in together when we got engaged and spent the next 9 months planning a wedding, traveling, enjoying our kids and talking.  I wanted to talk about everything and get it all on the table.  No surprises.  I told him my dreams for the future, I was completely honest about my past and we even talked about our intimate life and our expectations.   I asked him to be honest with me there too.   I think happiness in the bedroom is a big boost to a good marriage.

Our first trip together in Mexico

At a work party

Our wedding dance.

Our marriage had our troubles of course.  But they seemed like normal troubles.  After about a year we were having trouble communicating; I felt that he was holding back SOMETHING.  He finally wrote me a letter and handed it to me.  Yes, he wrote me a letter.   I wasn't too thrilled about that sort of communication but if he had things to tell me that he found hard to tell me in person then I was open to the idea.

That letter was the start of a change in my marriage.  It’s hard to say what was in it, but what it said opened up a box of “things he didn't share with me before”.  What was it?  It’s not important and it’s very private.  Did it have anything to do with what he just told me?  A little, but only now when I look back can I see it.   We talked, or tried to talk but I always felt like he wasn't being completely honest. That there was something that he wasn't happy about.  I could be mad as hell and he wouldn't fight.  He never fought.  By the end of the marriage there was no fighting, laughing, loving or fun.  The last year we spent in counseling.  Even the counselor couldn't figure out his intense need to not “rock the boat” and be the nice guy all the time.  The 3 years of spiraling downward were so confusing and so painful that I could hardly stand to be home.  We had moments of happiness, but mostly just an uncomfortable quiet. 

Finally we went to dinner and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. 

I knew that when we separated that I would be the bitch.  I mean come on! He was the nice guy.  Everyone loved Matt.  The neighbors, all my friends, my family and everyone that met him thought he was a sweetheart.     As I went down the list I heard things like, “oh no, not Matt”.  “We liked him”  “I won’t have anyone to hang out with anymore”.  I told lots of people by Email because I just couldn't put myself through that.  I knew I was justified in my heart but sometimes I still felt like I was crazy. 

Divorce is never easy.  I have been set back 10 years financially, emotionally I didn't even know where to start and I was struggling with those in my life that continued a close relationship with Matt.  I did my best to take the high road.  I shared my dog Ted and tried not to influence my kids and allowed them to have the relationship that they wanted with him.

Now…now what?  I’m so mad I feel hateful and I don’t like being that way.  I hardly shed a tear during our divorce but have burst into tears multiple times since Matt informed me.

 

Matt is transgender.  Apparently he had dressed as a woman throughout his adult life off and on.  He did the classic, “If I get married and love someone it will go away” thought.  He came over, not to apologize for the fraudulent marriage, but just to inform me that he will be living as a woman full time.  I seriously thought something was weird and was glad he would finally live how he wanted but  I did not expect transgender!

And I’m furious!  I feel foolish and used.  I have no problem with a transgender person.  I have a problem with liars.

This is the kind of advice Matt would listen to me give our kids:

• Be true to yourself.
• Do what makes you happy and own it
• Be honest and kind and remember the rule of Karma.
• You are in charge of your life and who is in it and how they can affect you. 

In other words I feel very strongly about honesty and integrity.  I also feel strongly in personal independence and being true to yourself and what you want to be. I don’t know how he heard that and justified his lies. 

During our counseling Matt had gone down to LA and went to some place that helps a transgender transform.    Apparently he dressed up a couple of times and who knows what else a couple of times on business trips. (this would explain his sudden need to keep his goatee shaved off)   Then he came home and went to counseling with me and denied any issues.    

That is lying and I am livid about it. 

At first I thought that being mad meant I was judging the transgender lifestyle.  I have no problem with any alternative lifestyle as long as it doesn't hurt someone else.  After 3 days, I’m OK with being mad.  I’m OK with allowing myself to find my boundaries.  As I write this my boundaries are pretty tight.  But I’m walking the tips of the highest road and waiting for Matt to finish telling the people he wants to tell face to face before I post this. 

Truthfully, I’d like to jump down to the low road and just go ape shit.  Thankfully I've had some wonderful listening ears and great friends.  Last night I told a friend at work and she looked at me and said, “What a F*#@er!”.  It’s almost like she knew what I needed to hear right then.     Friends – I think this experience is going to reveal my truest of friends.  Like I told my son months ago, sometimes I just need someone to take my side, without reservation, for a bit.

So that’s it.  It’s a process.  It will take time.

Part 2 and Part 3 to follow.

Blog on................

The Jig is Up.

Not really a Jig....but every time I thought of a title for this post all I could think of was the classic STYX song.  

Louis CK on divorce:

(Warning, funny foul language and brassy attitude)

"I’m divorced, so I’m single again after ten years of marriage. And—no.(crowd is awwwing).. Cut the shit! Don’t even start with that noise like a puppy died! Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. And this is important because some day one of your friends is gonna get divorced. It’s gonna happen. And they’re gonna tell you, don’t go “awww sorry.” That’s a stupid thing to say! It really is. First of all, you’re making them feel bad for being really happy, which isn’t fair. And second, let me explain something to you. Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s never hap— that would be sad. If two people were married and they were really happy and they just had a great thing, and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero. Ray Charles has killed more jews than happy marriages have ended in divorce. So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad and now they’re—I mean, they’re better. They’re not good, life is shit wall to wall. But they’re better, so you should be happy."

*********

It’s true.  My husband Matt and I are splitting. 

It’s sad of course, it was a difficult decision that we made together.  I have absolutely nothing but great things to say about Matt, but the issues we had as a couple were making us miserable despite counseling.

Matt and I have been married 3 ½ years.  This was my third marriage.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that I haven’t quite figured it out.  In other words Marriage is not my bag. 

Telling my kids was not as tough as I anticipated.  My daughter pretty much knew, I had confided in her, she lives with us and pays attention to what’s going on.  Surprisingly my kids felt bad for ME.  I hated telling my parents and I put it off as long as I could.  They are getting too old for this “crap”.  I tried to figure out a way I could just keep it from them forever, or until they became senile.  Unfortunately, at almost 80, they are both sharp as tacks and act like they are no older than 60.  They were surprised of course, but loving and supportive.

Because we are great friends, acquaintances or even family, when it comes to ending a marriage it really is the two main characters that have to live with it the most.  I also realized that those around me need to have their moment too.  They may need to ask questions or just be sad.  That’s ok.  It’s sad.  Both families and friends were great to each spouse. 

But, at this point I wish I had some horrible reason for the divorce.  It would be much easier if I was able to say that Matt did something awful, but he didn’t.  I can say that we have both thought about the split in excess, suffered over the decision and finally we just had to do something. 

I kept the issues we were having very private.  I didn’t want to complain about Matt.  I felt that if I complained then it was over for sure.  I talked to a few close friends and really only one friend was really privy to the way I felt about it.  Despite that even she was upset over the news.  Lots of my friends are upset over it.  I can’t even verbalize how grateful I am for the people that love me and support me. 

The reactions from different people have been interesting to say the least.  I think complaining about your husband to everyone childish and embarrassing.  We have both kept things private.  Maybe our children took it the best because they knew something was up and could feel the tension.  It’s interesting how some were very upset and then there was one email from someone that I still can’t decide if it was a “dig” at me, supportive or just bitchy.  I decided to ignore it. 

Besides the obvious sadness and pain, I’ll be adding on quite a financial responsibility.  Luckily I have a great job and a lot of running shoes that will get me by.

If I could only run.

Maybe it was the injury that forced me to stay put and face the problems that sparked that final conversation where we both knew that something had to be done.  No running away from my problems.  The last couple of weeks have also forced me to really face my own future and what have I got planned for my life.  I thought I was going to finish out my life traveling and enjoying the company of Matt, but now I need to paint a different picture.

SO, the news is out and all the questions that will be answered are here.

Matt will still be a part of my life.  We will share the dogs.  Both dogs love him dearly and would probably rather live with him then me, but he will have full access to them along with my kids.  He’s been a great example and friend to my children.  He has talked to all of them and offered a continued friendship with them, which I think they are taking him up on.  He’s a great listener and I even offered to let him have full custody (hehe).   I support their continued relationship and I know my children appreciate having him around.   

(I wrote this post just a few days before Matt actually moved out.  Since writing this post he has moved out and we are all adapting.  I wanted to write it when I was fresh and in the moment of telling people and talking it out.  It's been depressing and difficult but at the same time I think it has gone pretty smoothly with no animosity.)

Now it is onward and upward.  I'm watching a lot of Hoarders and Intervention to make me feel better.  Chocolate.  Chocolate is good.  

If you linked to this because you are my friend on Facebook, please do not comment on Facebook about it.  I welcome your thoughts and questions but please use private messages or comment on this blog.  I'm trying to avoid the whole drama queen.  I'm going to save that for something juicy!!

Blog on..........

Long Slow Run

Probably not my best idea.  

It's my last long run before the Other Half in Moab in a couple of weeks.  I figured I would do this run and then keep all my long runs just a mile over what my next race/relay will be.  I'm trying to run smarter and not harder to get through January and then I'm taking a break to heal up this foot.  For the most part it feels pretty OK  especially when I ice, massage and tape it everyday.  Today started out the same except around mile 5 that sorta ripping feeling (almost like an electric shock with pain) in the back of my heal started for about 1/4 of a mile but then stopped.  My husband asked if I stopped running because of the pain......oh no my sweetheart, that would make sense!
  

This morning I had some coffee and some Paleo Pancakes with butter and sugar free syrup...num num!!  Paleo Pancakes are just a banana/dollop of almond butter and an egg - all munched up with a fork and cooked in coconut oil.  Since I wasted hours laying around looking at funny websites I ate and it was almost 2 hours before I left for my run.  I had a couple of energy chews in the car.  I also had a serving of NoXplode - which is a preworkout drink with lots of caffeine and shtuff....it does give me a bunch of energy!  

I ran the Jordan River Parkway today.  It really is nice and meanders from Provo to North Salt Lake, then turns into the Legacy something or other.  There have been a few attacks, stabbing and dumping of bodies along the route which has given it a bad name.  Personally, if I'm there for the right reasons and during daylight hours it is wonderful.  Today it was busy with ton's of families, bikers, joggers and dog walkers that I was never truly alone.  

I parked my car so I could get back to it at around 6.5 miles.  It's not hot so I wasn't worried about cold water as much as refueling and peeing.  I didn't pee in my car, or around my car, but I did park at a park that had bathrooms and a water fountain.  

I started out with the first miserable mile, like usual, but after that I did OK.   Kept my pace down to around 10.5 min/miles and walked for one minute every 5 that I ran.  Like I said, around 5 miles I felt some extraordinary ripping in the back of my heel.  I stopped for a minute and then took off again trying to slowly adjust my foot strike so it didn't hurt.  It went away and I figured I ripped whatever scar tissues was there and I was golden!  (sick person I am)

I got back to the car and had another salt stick (I had one before I started), an apple/banana crusher and refilled my water.  You can get crushers from Trader Joe's and they are just like applesauce/fruit stuff that is packaged like this:

   That is not my hand, I took the picture off the Internet, but they are really good and I like the idea of those better then all the GU stuff.  

I peed and then ran north.  I was at 6.22 miles and I wanted to run to 9.5 miles then turn around, pass my car and then double back again.  I changed my plans.  I ran all the way to 4800 south which is about as north as I've ever gone.  That put me at 9.2 miles and I was OK with that.  I had a Honey Stinger Goo with me so I took that, filled up my water bottle at the water fountain, being very careful not to touch anything (ew) and started back.  But I must stop here for a minute.  At about 9 miles the ripping pain started again.  Mostly because there was some slight rolling hills, which usually feel good to my foot, but not so much today.  I walked it off and got to the next park - no, I did not stop running.  (gah!)

After I Goo'd and watered I decided to run to a park that was about halfway between me and my car.  This park has an awesome path around the grass that is about .40 miles.  OF course in my head it was at least a mile and I figured I would run around twice then head to my car.  This way I would get to 14 miles before the car.  Well, I ended up going around FOUR times, which was fine, there were lots of families there looking at me like I was crazy and I'm OK with that.  After that I was at about 12.6 miles and I took off for my car.  I miscalculated a little and ended up walking over half a mile.  That hurt like a bitch! (excuse my language)  My foot was no longer happy and I felt like my bra was cutting me in half.  I was done with a capital D.  Once I got to the car my plans for having another crusher and a salt tab were dismissed.  I felt like I was going to puke.  I tried drinking some water with NUUN in it, which never bothers me, but my stomach wasn't having it.  Luckily I had a frozen bottle of water in the car that had melted a little over half way and that was just what the tummy ordered.  

I finally figured out the GARMIN online thingy.  How cool!  I don't have to manually type it in!

My totals for the 14 miles were:
14 miles in 2:35:45  11.07 ave

Here are my splits.  Surprisingly appropriate for a long slow run.

Split	Time	Distance	Avg Pace
Summary	2:45:15.0	14.54	11:22
1	11:16.7	1.00	11:17
2	11:09.3	1.00	11:09
3	11:05.7	1.00	11:06
4	10:57.0	1.00	10:57
5	11:02.0	1.00	11:02
6	10:27.6	1.00	10:28
7	11:05.1	1.00	11:05
8	11:04.2	1.00	11:04
9	11:01.6	1.00	11:02
10	11:45.9	1.00	11:46
11	11:14.1	1.00	11:14
12	11:19.8	1.00	11:20
13	11:11.4	1.00	11:12
14	10:58.6	1.00	10:59
15	9:36.2	0.54	17:38

It looks like there is a booger on the last lap pace, but I swear it's not!

I burned over 1600 calories!!  BOOM.  I thought I would come right home and have this baby that I had in the fridge.  I feel so happy.

But no, it tasted nasty.  So I had water and a bag of popcorn while my SWEET husband defrosted and cooked steaks and some shrimpy thing and fed me while I sat on the couch icing my foot.  He also included a half of an avocado which is the perfect post run food!  

Capri's and compression socks!   Call me for your style questions!

I settled for a little glass of RumChata.  It's like Horchata with rum.  

I have no idea why I thought I needed some booze after my run, but I'm obviously a crappy drinker.  Water is really my go-to.  Shhhhhhh, don't tell anyone!

Since I figured out my Garmin Connect, I decided to add Daily Mile to my blog.  The only thing I don't like it that it doesn't add my years mileage up correctly.  After today's run, I have run 458 miles this year and that is only the outside miles, no treadmill runs included!!  

I'm not very good at keeping track of miles and I finally found an app for my iPhone that I can keep track of my shoes and their mileage. 

It's called Shoedometer.  I take a cute pic of my shoes and then I can keep track of them better then finding a stock picture.  

 I'm not even good at that.  It's a miracle this blog is going along so well!  

So after icing my foot and taking a shower I'm walking on it just fine.  I'm sure it will be tender in the morning.  It's a crazy foot, I can't figure it out!!

Do you keep track of your miles??

When you feel a twinge of an injury do you stop, collaborate and ice? (heehee)

I obviously don't!

Blog on................