Bruce Jenner and that whole thing...

I didn't plan on watching the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer.  I just happened to work the night before and spending my usual lazy day in bed post night shift I saw that it was on the schedule.  I had to watch.  I need to see how others handle it when a trusted loved one reveals such news.  

If you don't know why then refer back to this post:

Why can't I be mad

There are three parts if your really bored!!

The best news ever!  While I watched it, I realized I was just thinking in the same way I was BEFORE.  Before I was lied to and fraudulently treated by my ex husband.    YEAH!!!

What does that mean?  Well, I feel like it's been forever and I'm sure my friends and loved ones are probably thinking, "get over it".  I know I have wanted to move on forever!  Everyday I'm closer but lets face it, it's a slow go and I will never be the same.  But there is one thing that I am finally getting past.  The link between my ex, the anger and transgender.  

Lets face it, I'm not mad about the transgender issue and my ex.  I'm mad because of how and when he told me and the actions that preceded and followed.  I'm not going to get into it because I think it gives them life and power but it had nothing to do with the actual act of transitioning.  

I watched Bruce Jenner and I had the type of thoughts I had before.  

-He's (She's) not hurting anyone, let him be happy.

-He (She) should be able to be themselves.

And on and on and on.

In the last 10 minutes of the program I was thrilled.  There is hope for my angry confused and jacked up past couple of years.  I want to be back to that soul that accepted people as they are.  

Like I heard tonight, "If they are a good person before transitioning they will be a good person after".  Bruce Jenner tried to be honest to his spouses.  He was also struggling in a time that was SO far away from accepting differences along with being in the limelight.  

Most poignant is all the "I'm sorry" he said.  It's OK to be sorry that someone is hurt, even if your intentions are true.  

So maybe I can put this life experience aside and start judging people at face value.   hehehe

It's not like I'm going to TOTALLY change!

Blog on.......

Next blog I think I'll chit chat about running and trying to run this Marathon next month. AHHHHHH!!!!!

I deserve a treat

About every 16-18 months I get a Breast MRI.  This was my 3rd.  My last one resulting in a biopsy, that was negative.  I don't know the results of this one yet.  

Breast MRI

Definition

By Mayo Clinic Staff

A breast MRI captures multiple images of your breast. Breast MRI images are combined, using a computer, to generate detailed pictures.Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) of the breast — or breast MRI — is a test used to detect breast cancer and other abnormalities in the breast.

Breast MRI usually is performed after you have a biopsy that's positive for cancer, and your doctor needs more information about the extent of the disease. In certain situations, such as for women with high risk of breast cancer, breast MRI may be used with mammograms as a screening tool for detecting breast cancer.

So why?  I have a strong family history.  My sister died of breast cancer in 2003 at the age of 44.  I have already lived 6 years longer then she did.  It's very humbling.  My mom has had it also and is doing great.  My theory is not if but when I get it.  I don't live in fear but I am proactive to detect early.  I'm always checking myself.  If you don't, then learn.  It's easy.  Before you jump in the shower or in the shower and before you know it it becomes a no brainer.  

The only picture I have of her right now.  I am in the process of switching laptops.

Here is the contraption you lay on with your boobies hanging down through the holes.

Kind of like this.

It takes 30 minutes.   I ran that morning and premedicated with some anti anxiety medicine.  I still feel like I was hyperventilating.  And you can't move at all. You can't even take deep breaths.   That's why I deserved a treat!

And they were delicious!

Yes, I was driving the Shaggin Wagon.  My car went in on Wednesday and it wasn't done going to be done until Monday.

I can't remember how long the results take to come back.  You know what they say, no news is good news.  I can't have any positive results during this training anyway.  

What is your favorite treat?

Cancer - do you get or plan to get mammograms?

Blog on...........

Why can’t I be mad? Part 3

PART 3

Disclaimer:  These are my feelings and reactions to my ex-husbands gender identity issues.  These are mine and I own them.  They are not right or wrong but they are truthful. 

Final wrap up.

The last almost 6 weeks have been close to unbearable at times.  I’m hoping that now my ex has gone public and I have revealed my side of the pain that I can move on. 

I've learned so much in a month.  I have done so much research in trying to understand gender identity issues and their struggles.  I know that it would be a difficult thing at best to admit.  I know that my ex was very fearful of losing everything that he had.  I don’t wish him any ill will.  I know that his family and friends love him dearly and will stand by him.  

On that note, I still have my boundaries nice and tight.  It gets me though the day.  I found ZERO information or help for spouses or ex-spouses of a transgender.  Understanding it didn't change the way I felt about Matt.  I feel like he was the worst mistake I have ever made and it lasted almost 6 years.  Some may be distracted by his struggle, but I don’t think that your personal struggles give you an excuse to drag others in and hurt them.  Luckily I bowed out of the marriage, stuck with my gut and my heart and made the right decision.

I've lost a longtime friend in the process.  Unfortunately for me, my friend chose to support my ex through his big reveal without so much as a phone call to me.   In essence, supporting my ex means he supports how I was treated.  He didn't feel like he had to choose sides when I divorced Matt.  But in essence he did. He also tried to talk my daughter into not standing by her mom.  

With me spilling my guts in this blog and the big reveal over I feel so much more at peace and ready to move on!  Life isn't going to wait for me to cry “in ma big pilla”.  If you have read this and supported me in any way I thank you very much.  Even the small words/acts of kindness have carried me though every day.  With every tear I have had wonderful friends make me smile and laugh.  I do not know why I was so affected by this announcement but I was true to my feelings, let myself be sad and tried my best to keep the sanity. 

A word about the Transgender:

I have watched a few episodes of a series I bought off Amazon called, “Sex Change Hospital”.  It was good to put real faces on the struggle of gender identity and hear their stories.  I found many of them very touching.  The one I think about the most is a male to female trans person who finally got the big surgery.  She talked about her struggle and feelings and how she never felt that with those feelings she could involve another person that could get hurt.  A lot of transgender men and women marry and have children and try to ignore it.  I still believe that people should be who they are without judgment.  I would wish that society would continue to be more accepting of that.  It would make the world a safer place for all and those that have those “different” feelings would not be forced (because of their fear of rejection) to do what society thinks they should do in order to be accepted.    

That said I can now get back to the best things in my life….

It will be memorable...yes, it will!

Part 1

Part 2


Blog on................

It comes with responsibility

This job of mine....

When I work in the ICU I have a lot of responsibility, but I also have a lot of wonderful co-workers and doctors to back me up.  I never really have to make the big decisions, at least not for long. (Grab the code cart, call the doctor, start compressions....)

Things have changed. 

I have been working as a flight nurse for over 18 months now.  The amount of information we need to absorb and comprehend is overwhelming at times.  The learning curve is steep.  I have studied almost every shift I've worked since I started.  Reviewing and memorizing..what to do for what and when.  Protocols.  Protocols.  Protocols.

Good nursing does not come from just being book smart. Learning from experiences and continuing to learn helps, but the ability to look at a patient, gather the information and realize you are about to have a really BAD day or a really good day is essential.   Protocols cover a lot of subjects and situations but they are there to guide us.  I've become a lot more comfortable with fixed wing flights but if you have been following me you know that I've been flying more rotor wing and have actually had a few flights.

How I feel after a successful transport of a super sick patient.

Boom.

When a scene call comes in we have less then 5 minutes to get to the helicopter and get going.  Sounds easy, but it's not like jumping into a car.  We have things to unplug, sometimes we need to fuel and sometimes just getting my helmet and seat belt on is my own personal challenge.  Then there is safety safety safety.  Thank god.  

I've changed some details of this story, but the feelings are the same.

I was just sprawled out in the chair playing some search and find game on my iPad.  We were 10 hours into a 12 hour shift and NOTHING had happened yet.  I was prepared enough to be in full uniform with my meds on me, but that's about it.  The radio went off and the pilot turned to me and said, "That's us" and boom..out the door.  

The scene was only a few minutes away.  "Head in the game, head in the game" was going through my mind.  Safety, watching out, helping to land.  They all kept my mind busy but my stomach was turning and my butt cheeks were clinched TIGHT!  What was I walking into???  Who's idea was this for me to be a flight nurse???  This is not a drill!!  

The scene was remote.  The patient was already in the ambulance.  We landed and the medic and I jumped out after the all clear from the pilot and ran to the ambulance.  (Rotor still going)  Right here is where the bad ass fun stops and everything gets real....real fast! I was shaking like crazy.  I was trying to pull up medications, doing math in my head, running through the protocols.  I had been in this sort of situation before in the SICU and the ER, but you take it out of the hospital and take away the doctor and it's a whole new ball game. Add the fact that it's you and your medic making decisions...wow. 

My medic was awesome!  He had more experience with scene calls and took the lead.  I performed my first intubation and once I did that my head cleared, I stopped shaking a little and I think I was actually able to think and ask questions. 

The question I get most is how do medical people do this sort of thing?  If we do something wrong someone could die!  Although medicine is hardly that black and white I am pretty sure that most of us block out the emotional human portion for a while as we go through all the information and experience in our heads to do the very best to give that patient a chance.  Think!  Think!  Think!  

After about 30 minutes of interventions it was pretty obvious that no matter what magical medical thing we could come up with this patient was not going to make it.  Discussion with the team working with us, with our medical control and the patient was pronounced.  We all agreed.   We were done.

I took this picture after we were back in the helicopter and our pilot was getting ready for flight.  It was getting dark and the lights on the ambulance were still going.  I was still surging with adrenaline, but I felt sad.  

In my heart we always saved the day.   Even looking at this picture all those feelings came back to me.  I knew that someone had died and not even the patients family knew.  They were going to be absolutely heartbroken!  They were about to have the worst night ever. 

I felt like we did everything we could.  No matter how wonderful medicine is, it can't fix some things.  This could not be fixed.  I absolutely love my job but it doesn't come without great responsibility and accountability. 

After charting, talking to my medic, talking to the oncoming RN and starting my drive home..I started to cry.   I was so sad for the family.  I was exhausted over using so much adrenalin and I was tired.  Then I was even more sad for the family and for the patient.  

I know that life can be taken away at any time.  I stopped worrying too much about my kids long ago.  I knew that they were adults and could do what they wanted.  I figured that I would worry when there was something to worry about.  But in the few days following this flight I called each one just to make sure they knew how much I loved them.  

Because sometimes that's the last thing you get.  

Blog on...............