Ode to Zoe...

On Monday March 11th our sweet Zoe died.  

She was fine in the morning when I got home after a 24 hour shift.  I went to run at Liberty park that day and when I was done Daniel called and told me that something wasn't right.  She was stumbling around and really weak.  He had already called the Vet.  I was so proud of him.  He waited for me to rush home and we picked her up and drove her to our vet.  By the time we got there she was almost unconscious.  We knew we were on borrowed time already but having to make that decision was heartbreaking.  When I asked Daniel what we should do he said, "I just wish this wasn't happening".  There was nothing else to do.  I didn't want to take her home to suffer and I didn't want any tests done on her.  There was nothing I was going to do anyway.  So we had her put down.  Awful and miserable.  Lots of tears!  

Zoe was born Lady Zoee Lacee on October 11, 1999.  She was initially raised by a family with small kids.  When they had twins, one of them was allergic.  I found Zoe in the ads of KSL.  We adopted her March of 2001. Her name was Lacy and we named her Zoe before we even saw her papers.  She was a perfect fit for us!  I needed her!  With my kids going with their dad every other weekend and some summers, I needed something to keep me grounded and responsible.  

She peed on this bed.

We bought her a coat that she hated.

Cuddling with Daniel.  One of my favorite pictures.

Jake and Zoe

Sami and Zoe

2001

I couldn't find a picture of Austin or me with her when she was younger.  I'm sure they are in a box somewhere.  

It's funny because she came from a family with toddlers but she hated toddlers and jumped on them to push them over.  We kept her away from them except my nephew Charlie.  He loved Zoe and would laugh when she would try to jump on him and then chase her.

These pictures are in the last few years.  

Jake playing with her and Sami smooching her.  

Zoe owned the couches and insisted on moving the pillows where SHE wanted them and then sleeping.  

In 2008 we adopted Ted who joined her in play and shenanigans.  Notice her on the chair?  If you sat in her chair she would stare at you to try to get you out.  She was a smart dog and we were sure she was the one telling Ted to get dishes out of the sink and bread off the counter.  

She was also a scavenger.  I called her the bottom feeder.  Especially in the last few months she has been under my feet tripping me as she waits for me to drop ANY food.  She was pretty much deaf and almost blind so she couldn't dance around my feet like she use too and by the end of the day I was sure someone was going to get hurt.  

We were also pretty sure that she KNEW she was smarter and better then us.  She was kind of a bitch, but the kind you could love endlessly! 

When we discovered that she had lost control of her bladder on the couch just before she died we are positive she did that as her last "Eff you".  Because that is the way she rolled.  I guess you could say we were soul mates.

This picture was taken by my kids dad the day before she died.  Getting loves and smooches to the end.  Zoe was with the kids from the time they were little.  We were devastated.

Good bye Zoe!

Hot and Lazy

Since I have been home from work last Tuesday, Matt has been in California working.  Even though I miss my husband, I have been enjoying the lazy days.  All my workout clothes thrown on the bed with my favorite blanket and computer.  I laid in bed a lot and browsed the Internet, snacked and napped.  It was a good recovery from that long stretch of flying.

I did manage to clean things up before Matt got home tonight.  I hate coming home to a messy house and so I try to have things cleaned up before he comes home from out of town.  The black spots on the carpet by my bed? That is Ted hair.  We vacuumed 3 times today.  We have brushed him over and over again.  Poor guy.  Poor vacuum.

Another look at Audrey3.  I put a bungee cord up for her to grow along the porch.  We'll see if that works.  I'm pretty sure it won't hold a pumpkin, but I like to see how far it will grow.  I'm fascinated by how big it is!!  Nothing we planted in the garden is busting out like this.  Maybe I should plant my garden in the front flower beds?

Left a little later then I wanted to this morning, but I made it to Liberty Park to do my speed work.  I did Yasso 800 Speed work.  When it comes to running and training it seems that everyone has an opinion.  I've read that they are a waste of time and don't predict anything.  As far as speed work, I love them!  I can push myself without dying.  I am up to 6 X 800. The way I do them is I warm up with a 1/2 (which is 800 meters) mile walk/jog and then run as a pretty good pace for 1/2 mile.  My training pace calculations put me at an 800 meter time of 4:20.  Today I did anywhere from 4:02 to 4:45. After each one I walk for a bit and then slow jog for 1/2 mile.  I finished my 6 miles with an average 11 min/miles for my recovery and around 8:30 for my 800's.  Not too shabby and I burned 612 calories.  Woot Woot!

Today after my 2nd 800, I really needed to pee.  I passed the restrooms when I was running an 800 and I thought I'd make it around again.  Not so much!  The park is big and has wonderful running and bike paths.  About the time I finished my 800 I knew I needed to hit the pottie.  I walked through a short cut to the bathrooms but alas, I'm getting old and barely made it.  Meaning I peed my pants a little.  TMI?  I wouldn't want any other runners who have this happen think that it is totally unheard of.  Luckily it wasn't too much so I finished my run then got home to shower - instead of running errands.  No one wants to smell like pee!!!

It was definitely a beautiful day!  It was almost 90 degrees, but this park has awesome water fountains and I was able to stay hydrated and kept pouring water on my head.  Love the dry heat!

By the time I finished I was hot!  You can't tell in my pic, but I'm pretty wet with sweat.  That worry wrinkle really bothered me when I took the pic, but now that I look at it again, it's not too bad!  At least the braces come off in 3 months.  That will feel so good!  

I came home to shower and do some housework.  It helps to have some music to jam to.

This is the cable that is attached to our stereo/DVD player in the living room.  It's definitely old, but it works and I hate spending money for something just because it's newer.  Unless it's running shoes...of course!!  

Matt gave me a new iPod Nano for my birthday this year.  I find it almost too small.  I need to get a wrist holder so I can quit dropping it.  Trying to hold it and change songs etc, I feel like Zoolander with his little phone!  (great movie BTW)  I took this picture because it's funny how tiny the iPod is and how huge the cable is.  It works great!  

Shootings:

Most of today has been spent rehashing the shootings in Colorado.  Lots of posts on Twitter and Facebook addressing the tragedy.  It is horrible.  Unfortunately I see tragedy way too often.  This is just bigger proportions.  The family that looses a loved one to an accident, sudden illness or a personal attack hurts just as much, but society is a little complacent about these deaths.  Victims who die because they were hit by a drunk driver do not get news channels everywhere to proclaim that alcohol should be banned.  

Accountability cannot be legislated and neither can kindness and compassion. We can only do our best to be kind and compassionate and hope that our Karma is catchy.  

I really could go on and on..but it really is just my view of the world.  Someday I will post on my views on politics.  Maybe. 

Sending peace and love to all the victims and families of tragedy.  All of them.

Blog on...............

Mid-life crisis???

Could I be going through a midlife crisis??  NEVER!  I am way too young to be midlife...or am I?? The last month has had so many changes going on I can hardly tell what I am doing from one day to the next.  I have to keep checking my calendar to see what the heck I am up to for the day.  


Really big change.  I left bedside nursing and changed my work setting to this:

Fixed Wing Flight nurse for AirMed based in Rock Springs.

No I am not moving, just commuting

This will be my work view.  Well, when I'm not crapping my pants trying to keep patients stable up in the air. 

This is a picture I took in February when Al and I were taking off in Salt Lake City to go to Colorado.   Airmed was behind us for take off.  That is my patient care station.  hahah

I applied a year ago to AirMed and the interview made me realize what I really needed to work on to pass the interview.  Not even necessarily to do the job, but to impress upon the team that I could do a great job and work as a team and make decisions best for our patients.  I took my CCRN test and accepted a job in the ER at the U in order to get the experience I need.  Lucky for me all that experience, studying and strong desire to fly paid off and they hired me!  I start this Monday.  NOW, I will spend three months learning a lot of stuff I don't know so I can do my job well.  I can't wait!  I'm a nerd like that.  I like the learning stuff.  That or its my genetically predisposed need to be constantly moving and learning.  (thanks dad and mom!)

The complete downside to that.

Leaving the ER.  A short time there and I have had so much fun.  The people that I have worked with have been so kind and taught me so much!  I usually work at a job until I move onto something else or am just DONE with it. I feel like there were so many more shenanigans to experience!!!  Thanks to everyone who was so awesome!

I also had to say farewell to the SICU.  Luckily Julia (manager) will allow me to pick up extra shifts as needed and I will definitely be doing that.  I am so emotionally and personally involved with the SI that some people are closer to me then family.  I have so much pride in how far I have come as an ICU nurse and how awesome it is to work with such a great crew.  I will miss coding a patient with my besties in the room and we are KICKING ass and taking names.  Not easy to die in that unit.  The only thing that helps a little is that they are going through some major changes and evolving enough that it's like moving on after a great party.  

Who wouldn't want to work with these people??!!

 Of course it's not all a party.  Sometimes we have to get serious!

 

Halloween, I think 2008.  I was charging and Terri Michele made us all nursing hats.  Then we took a picture with our attending sitting on a commode.  Dr. Barton was a good sport!

Then we grabbed Dr. Selzman, but we got him a decent chair.

I think he had been at the hospital maybe a month.  He looks suspicious!

 Marnell left the SICU in December 07, but will never be forgotten.  She was super smart and a blast!

 These are our emergency cardiac med boxes.  We went through three the night before and I was just coming on.  I hope Pharmacist Jeanie sees this and I can tell her.."I didn't open it!"  Kyle should have been proud.  We would break these open when we needed code meds but nothing else and that way we wouldn't break the code cart and charge the patient an extra thousand.  Plus they were easier to keep stocked.

Wasn't the first or the last pair of shoes to be violated in the SICU.  I was always kind of a freak about my shoes and would use shoe covers and all kinds of stuff to try and keep them clean.

 I am pretty sure this is 2007 or early 2008.  Just another great day in the SICU.   Little did I know that they could add a few more machines in the next few years.  Look - it's paper charting!!

 I found this by my computer one day.  Apparently someone wanted to have Jesus be my co-pilot for the day.  I think he's averting his eyes.  Everyone took cover to see if lightening would strike.

 Oh look!  New Bari beds.  Lets see how many nurses we can get in it!!

I was always amazed when they left the chest open.  This one, the tips of my fingers could feel his heart beat.  I know, I'm not wearing gloves.  My hands were super clean!!

 When we first started doing bi-vads it was just so amazing.  Yet again, the surgeons soon added another component to it and later on we were hooked up to this AND an ECMO machine.

In no way shape or form can I forget my Triad of Triads.  Being a charge nurse in the SICU has been a lesson of trial and error when it comes to dealing with critical patients, logistics and SOCIAL politics and boundaries.  After having to send an apology letter and giving many apologies for hurting someones feel goods I came up with my triad.  Because sometimes you have to take the high road and act like the adult.  

I've learned a lot! 

Terri and I share a birthday week.   So I brought us a cake and we had our own party.  

See how we are??

Can you see where I could miss it all?  I have had so much support from my friends there.  When I had bad days as a single mother then Danielle would sense it and make me cry..then she would cry and then Tera would get all mad about why we were crying and she would start crying.  I will appreciate those times forever and so lucky to still have Tera and Danielle counted as friends for life!

Memories of my first patient that was a fresh quadriplegic.  He was fresh off his mission and I just bonded with him.  His family was amazing.  That night I had one of many calls from SLPD about this and that with a particular son.  That night my patients mom and I sat in his room and cried together.  

Becoming so close to a patients family that when she died I think they were comforting me as much as I was comforting them.

Laughing so hard I almost pee'd my pants so many times I can hardly count.  

Watching the miracle that is medicine work.  Sometimes not work.  There is no magical answer it just is what it is.  

Seeing Dr. Vargo's eyes in the OR during an especially tragic situation.  He is the only surgeon that I still get nervous around and I still chase him down and ask him questions.  He's no longer an attending in the SICU, but he's an excellent surgeon there.  He also came to my rescue when a particular CT surgeon decided to give me the smackdown (yelling/swearing) in the dirty utility.  

Sitting in a patients room with David.  She was dying and her family couldn't be there, it was too much for them.  We sat with her so she wouldn't die alone. 

The three circle brain starter.  When you turn three circles around in a room because you have no idea where to start it's all so crazy.

Crashing patient and the surgeon ripped off the ioban and stuck her hand in his chest and held the aorta that was bleeding.  She sat on the bed and we wheeled them both up to emergency surgery.    I always wondered were our dramatic music was at those times. It was just so surreal.   

Talking to Dr. Kimball who I have come to respect so much as a friend and co-worker.  Sometimes we are all just real people with real lives and just need someone who can understand.  Plus I have been in a lot of critical patient situations with him.  After a while when you are with the same doctor, it all becomes smooth and seamless.

Tera across the bed from me in a code.  I have no idea why we have done so many together, but when my patient codes my adrenaline is through the roof and having Tera across from me brings my head back into the game.

Yelling at Dr. Barton.  Not proud, but it was the end of a long frustrating day of trying to get someone to listen to me.   It's ok, he yelled at me too once in a while.  

I can't think of all the highlights and low lights right now.  It makes me think I should start writing them down.  What a great 8 years!

Thank you peeps!

HELLO AIRMED!!  I'm jumping in with both feet and hoping to land safely..every time!!  I can't wait to get to know the crew and learn to be as bad ass as they are.  Because if I ever have to be transported by air they are the people that I want to do it!!!  

Blog on...........

Sad Day...

Last Saturday my friends dad was out taking a ride on his motorcycle.  They aren't absolutely sure what happened but he layed it down/crashed.  Police say he wasn't going very fast and witness's say that he was talking at the scene.  Life is so fragile and by the time they got him to the ER he was pulse less.  He bleed somewhere..a lot.  He was on blood thinners, so who knows where.  It's so very sad.  

At work we say that sometimes people just die, no matter what we do.  I guess this is the case.  A freak accident?  His time?  I don't have any answers.  My friend, Danielle, is one of the sweetest most giving people I have met.  She has cried with me multiple times when I have struggled with my kids.  I have watched her grow from a HUC to an RN in what seemed like just months. I know how much she cares for and is helping her mother through this.  I hope that she feels the support that I am sending her.  I am hoping that she'll have a night of rest, wine and some tears with me soon.

 Sometimes death makes zero sense!

Here is Danielle (in the middle) with her mom, Mary on the right and Tera on the left.

At the funeral they had a bunch of motorcycles (Harley's) chaperon the casket to the grave site.  Next to the grave site was Danielle's brothers headstone with a picture of him.   

Just so sad....

RUPERT DOBESH 

  |   Visit Guest Book

Rupert E. Dobesh 1954 ~ 2011 On Saturday, August 20, 2011 we lost our beloved husband, father, brother and friend in a motorcycle accident. He was born November 23, 1954 to Rupert and Nancy Dobesh in Tacoma, Washington. Rupert grew up in the Magna area. Graduated from Cyprus High School and achieved All State in Football and Senior Class President in 1973. He graduated from Utah State University with a BS in Biology and Chemistry in 1977. He married his high school sweetheart, Mary Snow in 1977. He earned his MBA at the University of Utah. His career spanned over 30 years with ATK Systems. He enjoyed Duck Hunting, riding the Harley and Trap Shooting. He made many friends through all his hobbies. Rupert has been a significant and positive influence on countless lives through the years. He was truly one of a kind and a straight shooter. He will be greatly missed by all who knew him. He is survived by his loving wife, Mary, his daughter, Danielle (Geoff) Moore, grandson, Colin, brothers Jeff (Patsy), Russ (Joanie), and sister Angie Wright; and many nieces and nephews who looked up to their Uncle Rupe. Preceded in death by Parents and son, Wesley. Friends may call Wednesday, Aug. 24, 2011 between 9:30-11:00 a.m. at Neil O'Donnell & Sons Mortuary, 372 East 100 South, Salt Lake City, Utah. Graveside service to follow at Mount Calvary Catholic Cemetery, 4th Avenue T Street. In lieu of flowers, the family asks you to donate to the Huntsman Cancer Foundation. A Wake will be held in the Celebration of Rupe's life on Friday, September 2, 2011 from 6-9 p.m. at the Filling Station, 8987 West 2700 South in Magna. 

Hugs to all..........

Blog on............

Memories

This morning my kids and I were having a conversation.  Well, Sami and Daniel and I were having one.  It all started when Daniel saw some vintage clothing I was looking at on Etsy.  He asked me if I would wear this 100% silk beaded dress from the 80's.  When I told him his granny wore that same dress only in peach to my wedding to his dad it started a long conversation. It was about death and memories.  Their granny died in 2000 and Daniel was only 5, Sami was only 7.  Unfortunately they don't have many memories of her and that makes me sad.  When I remind them of some things they will say, "oh I remember that".  The only really vivid memory Daniel has is when he visited her and she was sick in bed.  


My memories are full and awesome!!  I knew Lynne for 15 years and up until she became really sick she treated me with love and respect.  Bill and I had been apart about 2 years when she died and she was sick in the hospital for the last year.  That first year we separated, when everyone was taking sides and making judgements, she just treated me like nothing had happened.  She was kind and loving and her grandchildren were number one!  Period.  She worried about what schools they went too, if they were sick, who was taking care of them.  But not in a pushy way.  I remember I enrolled my kids in the school by her, which was a school district away from the one I lived in, but only about a mile away from where I lived.  Soon after the kids started school she became sick.  I never minded all the paperwork and bus schedules and after school care, driving the kids around because they were in that school.  Well, I can't say it wasn't hard and stressful, but I can say I didn't regret it.  I kept all the kids in that elementary school and when I moved from my duplex I found a house within it's boundaries.  In some ways it was because of Lynne.  She worried about the kids when we divorced.  Her life had it's bumps in the road and she spent a lot of time being the only parent to her boys.  She knew how hard it was.  


Being able to tell my kids how much their granny loved him is so soothing to us all.  When my sister died I was angry and sad, but I could accept her death because she suffered so much.  When it comes to Lynne I am still mad.  If that is the right word.  Of all the people in my life that could have made the biggest impact on my kids It was her.  When I was having trouble with Austin in his teens, I missed her so much and knew that his pain from loosing her was more then I could ever imagine.  He was super close to her and to this day I can see his eye's smile when he talks about her and then turn sad.  


So today my kids and I talked about the things that we have that no one can take away.  That is the memories we have with each other.  When Lynne died I wasn't able to go see her or be involved in any way.  Bill's dad was not as open to having me around and to this day I don't think I have seen him but once and he has never talked to me.  The one thing I was able to do was go to the funeral.  I took my kids and I wasn't going to just drop them off.  I tried to stay close to them and yet tried not to upset anyone.  The one thing that no one can take away from me is memories. I may not have any special item of hers, but that's OK.   It's OK if Bill's new wife gets anything from her, because she has no memories and those are more precious then any THING. 


My sister died and my mom and dad and all her brothers, me and my sister all got together the day she went on hospice.  Dropped everything and were there.  No ifs ands or buts.  I love that about my family.  We made a calendar.  Someone would be there 24/7.  I took a leave of absence in my senior year of nursing school and my school was very accommodating.  Her kids were young.  They were only 14, 17 and 20something.  I can't really repeat what she said about some of her kids because if they got word of it they would probably try and sue me or something.  But let's just say that her 14 year old son was the only one that appeared to really care.  He didn't care about what she would inherit or what he would get when she died.  He just loved her.  A lot.  


So my sister died after 6 days on hospice and my dad and mom (who had taken care of her for years!) started meeting with funeral homes and putting the funeral together.  It was beautiful.  We included her kids to the maximum that they wanted to be included.  We even included their dad because they wanted him there, but that is a WHOLE other post.  Within days of her dying they were clearing out her stuff and waiting for her big inheritance.  They became angry when told there wasn't one and next thing you know they were not talking to anyone in my family and threatening lawsuits, etc.  So, they held a garage sale.  They sold all of  my sisters stuff that they could.  They did not invite my parents, they did not care.  After that we were welcome to go and see if there was anything we wanted that they could not sell.  I picked up some cushions that we used when we would sleep on the floor by her bed.  I love those cushions.  I wish I could give them up.  I just remember once LeAnn made a weird sound and both my brother Brad and I popped up to check out if she was OK.  I still remember seeing my brothers face across her bed. Now THAT is a memory.  It makes me smile and cry at the same time.


The memories I have with my sister are forever mine.  That last week I spent there taking care of her.  I was there almost all the time.  The last sister to sister conversation we had on her bed.  The priceless advice she gave me.  Her opinion on the way she wanted her funeral and "stuff" handled.  It's all mine baby!  No matter what her kids or anyone else tries to alienate from me they can't take that.  If they don't want to be a part of our family then they are missing a family that would never turn their back on anyone, no matter what they did.  I hope they can languish in that money they made at her garage sale.  Because money doesn't buy happiness, ever. 


Long post for some disjointed and emotional thoughts.  
I think it's good to write it out sometimes.  Someday I will do a post..."Satan: he roams the earth" that will be about my sisters ex husband.  I don't even care if he finds it and reads it because it will be all truths.  
The day after she died I went to meet the hospice nurse to return all the stuff and we wasted all the narcotics etc together.  I also gathered up some stuff that we thought important.  I also ran across ALL the letters Satan wrote to my sister.  Unfortunately my sister had a "pleaser" personality and would just file them and be upset by them.  I would have gotten a restraining order.  He was a mean, heartless SOB.


Ok, I'm turning a beautiful post into a hate post and I don't want to do that!


To the memories!  May they be bad, good or indifferent!  To those we lose too early..let us never forget what no one can take away from us!


LOVES AND HUGS!!!


Blog on.............