March 6, 2009
In about 6 hours I will be married. I am nervous but starting to feel better. It is much easier to get married before you have kids, I know that now. Although, it’s great that our kids are older and we have plenty of time to be just us. Scheduling showers – that is an issue. Everyone wants to take theirs just in time to get ready. That makes a bunch of showers all at once. Aggravating, but worth it. I sure love my kids. They are very happy for me and they are just wonderful. Willing to help us out and give some hugs to nervous mommy.
To look back on my life as I’m getting married again reveals to me that I have been very lucky. Sure, I did end up getting a divorce from Bill. I would have much rather married the man I was to be married to for the rest of my life first, but it has afforded me a life that has made me just the person I want to be. Bill is very happy for me and I think he really likes Matt. Although Bill and I certainly have our many disagreements, as far as divorced people we have done pretty well at keeping it civil and sometimes even friendly. Besides, we have four wonderful children and that makes everything worth it. Decisions we made and the hard work to get Austin as our son, the kids that followed and the craziness that it created. I have only one regret and it’s not so much of a regret because it was out of my control, but the fact that the kids lost their granny (Bill’s mom) a couple of years after the divorce is a pain that I can’t seem to get a handle on. I just can’t believe it every time I think about it. I know that the struggles of my older kids would be lessened if she was here. I know that Austin has suffered the most. He was so close to her and you just can’t compensate for that. It is the only thing in my life that I can’t figure out the lesson, or the reason. Death is forever and sometimes it is very random. When I think of my sister I remember the suffering she went through for so long. How she would be so sick and look so close to death and so far away from life, yet still be alive. It is horrible the way that some of her children treated her and the manipulation of her ex-husband. I don’t blame her for checking out.
I truly digress to a place that I shouldn’t be visiting on such a happy day. It just seems like everything is replayed in times like this.
I do know that the 10 years that I was single was very contributory to this day. The growing up that I had to do. The reality of single motherhood, college and work turned me into a strong woman with a great sense of what is important. Although all my decision weren’t the best all the time, most of the time I did great. If it wasn’t for my great friends (the camping crew) and the people that helped me and stood by me, I would be lost. My parents helped me out greatly to get through college. I think they thought of it as a long term investment and hopefully their dividends are exceeding their expectations now. I had friends that would stay with my kids when I worked, that drove them around when they could. They supported me through wonderful times and I supported them. We would spend so much time together and our kids together. People grow apart and things change but my kids and I will always look back at those times with total happiness. We have great memories of shoving everyone in my intrepid with all our camping gear almost every weekend every summer for about 4 years. I think that is the stuff that kept me going in nursing school. It was fantastic having my friends there to watch me graduate along with my parents. THEY were all the reason I was able to do it. Of course my kids were there and I’m sure that there were some times they wished I wasn’t so busy – but the weekends made up for it.
Now it’s almost 6 years later and can you believe it I’m actually a nurse doing exactly what I love. My kids are great teenagers. I would say normal, but I don’t think so. The more I talk to other parents of teenagers I realize that the closeness and openness I share with my kids is not that common. I still get hugs and smooches and cuddles from all of them. I can talk to them about anything and I think they can talk to me.
Now, about the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I can’t say enough about Matt. When I put together our pictures for display, I was reminded of our courtship. I still can’t believe that there is someone as wonderful as he is, for me. Even in our toughest times I have hardly had a bad day with him. The more we adjust the better it is. Being with him, usually when we travel, is the most peaceful and incredibly happy time. He just loves me and shows me in every way. I am getting married today and I can’t wait. I am a tad bit nervous about walking down the aisle and looking OK, etc. But the part about actually getting married doesn’t make me nervous at all! I want to be with him forever. I know we will be happy and we just seem to enjoy doing the same things. Most of all, we enjoy seeing each other happy. What an honor to be his wife. WOOHOO!!
Well, I guess I should move on and start with getting ready. My day is planned and ready to go and I’m just overjoyed at the thought of being with Matt, his family, our friends and my family. What a fabulous bunch!!
I plan on every anniversary to take a look back, reflect and be as forever grateful and crazy happy as I am today!!
This is my last blog as a single woman.