Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Why can’t I be mad? Part 2


Disclaimer:  These are my raw feeling a couple of days after I was informed of my ex-husbands gender identity issues.  These are my feelings and I own them.  They are not right or wrong but they are truthful. 

I wrote this the Sunday after our initial conversation. I'm very glad that I wrote down my thoughts then. Processing this kind of information takes time and it was important for me to set boundaries so that I could move on. I read this now and it reminds me why I set them where I did. 


Matt and I had a conversation via text message last night.  It was good and it was bad.
In the past few days I have really struggled with my boundaries.  When I think of seeing him or my kids seeing him I literally go into an anxiety attack.  I can’t breathe, I sob.  This isn't really the person I want to be.  I am strong and independent and I’m not putting up with anything that is hurtful to me or my family.    I've had my anxiety attacks under control for over 10 years.  Now, they are right on the edge and my children have gathered around me for support. 

 I couldn't love them any more then I do now.  Even their dad has stood behind them to support them so they can help me.  As a mother it is the tenderest when your adult children are the ones that are comforting you, calling you and being a support system for you.  I need it and they are there. 

My boundaries became very clear last night to Matt.  He wanted to take my dog, Ted over the weekend for Thanksgiving.  I told him no.  I've been very generous in the past year to let Matt take Ted whenever he wants.  I had to draw that boundary line.  I had to.  I just can’t do it.  I know it’s selfish.  I’m going to be selfish for a while. 

Basically our texts came out as, he is sorry he didn't tell me sooner and that when he married me he truly loved me.  I believe that.  I’m not questioning his love for me I’m questioning his honesty and really how much can you love someone that you are deceiving.   He wanted to talk, but I refused.  I basically just told him what I had been thinking.  He’s a fraud and a liar.  I don’t know where the lies end and the truth begins.  I want him to stay away from me, my family and my dogs.  He agreed that he would.

Harsh.  Oh hell yeah.  I’m not letting the fact that he has struggled with gender issues to excuse the years and years of deceit.  I've said it over and over again and I've told him.  I don’t care that your transgender, I care that you continued to fight for our marriage and look me in the eyes and lie.  There is no way that gender issue thoughts were not swirling through his head.  I’m an open minded person.  If he would have brought it up in counseling we could have at least had some support.  The hardest part is that he knew that it was a huge issue, he had been to LA and had tried it and still came back home, went to counseling and denied any issue.  It’s not like I had an explanation either.  It will take time to forget the pain of not knowing why things were going the way they were going. 

I've also done some research.  I understand I’m not alone but apparently the cool thing is to accept your ex husband and be friends.  I've tried to wrap my head around that one.  He will be a she pretty soon. (And now is)  We have no kids together.  This isn't like we were young and he was confused.   Yes he was hoping it would go away but he was in his 40’s and he had tried it out off and on way before me.  There is huge support for the transgender community that he has available.  His family is loving and open minded.  He/she will get all the love and support he could possibly need, even now.  My boundaries are mine.

Part 3 Coming up


  1. Boundaries that help YOU feel safe...that help YOU heal are what YOU need right now. Good for you.

  2. I'm so glad you have the support of your family. Personally, I think the honest feelings you've shared and the boundaries you have set are perfectly reasonable. Your situation kind-of reminds me of being in a relationship with an addict. You can't hate them because of their addiction, but you can certainly hate their actions, and you have to keep enough distance between yourself and the addict to keep from being co-dependent. Not to excuse his behavior, but he's probably been lying to himself for years, too, and deceiving himself into thinking his issues would be resolved if he ignored them.
    I completely agree with MILF Runner, though, that you're doing exactly what is best for you, which is the important thing. Hang in there!

  3. I like this idea of boundries. I to am trying to wrap my head around the idea I have come to this... Matt will always be an acqaintance, thru his association with you. If Matt shows up someplace that I am at, no problems. However, I dont think there will ever be a situation where Matt introduces me to "her", that would be just awkward for a better word,... I think thats a boundaries she (Matt) will need to respect on my part. As RHI states, you cant hate them because of this... which I dont. Its his/her life and I respect that. Matt is an acquaintance of my friend, who happens to be you! Those are my raw feelins! Smoochies!

  4. Not that this situation is similar to yours, or that I know anything about what will be helpful to you, but I found this book :http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13538707-sex-changes fascinating, mainly because it rejected the idea that the wife has to automatically be OK with the change, and explores one woman's relationship with her children in relation to how they deal with the change and the relationship with their father. I highly recommend it.